ok people it is time for a serious up date ... i ahve to recap a few things so lets work on the quick stuff.. i had and lost a job at game stop i am still madd about that i dont feel as though i should have been let go .. it was an honest mistake and before you think i stole something i know it is my responsiblity but i forgot about working at a GS in lanc.. and that is the boo boo .. i didnt put down i worked them but it was seriously like three years ago cum on ... and i havent had any problems i will just starting to understand and i was gettin the hang of ringing and selling and keeping the store the way they wanted it and BOOM im out .. but atleast i was able to get my DS with that hot discount but i am gonna apply therr again and fuck what you heard im stayin this time...

also i need a new female to have fun with the "all about me gurl" had to go therr wasnt much therr to begin wit but i was riding the wave of the slight fun .. i see wherr my limit is .. 240 that is too much for Saint i didnt know it was one but that is it in bold ass letters i dont care if who eva see it cause it is therr fault they dont need to be like that .. it is a shame but it is good cause i didnt do what i normally would i stood my ground said what i was gonna do and fuccin did it and i didnt look back .. it was my turn to walk away and leave it be .. i did test it but they failed that too so .. "all abotu me " doesnt exsist any longer but i do wish them well good person for a friend BAD for any thing else ....

speaking of friends Tiny is funny ... callin me with those kinda request that was fun tho it brought back memories.. i wonder if i can get her to make another message ..we shall see on that one .. but i fell sorry for her now .. she had been having tons of problems with King and i dont blame her from the side that i am gettin kind want her but only if she changes her self completely for him and that would sux cause to me she is cool people still very new to the game but none the less she will catch on .. ..X is weird i dont know if i would even bother with her .. i dont see my self having the patience for her stuff if something wherr to happen .. and that is only from what i hear from her and plus i feel i am too old .. i dont know how that would fit and on top of that id have to meet parents and i am gonna try to stay away from that i dont need any more parental interfearance .. that is why tiny got all fucked up .. but i knew that wouldnt go too much farther in it did ..

switchin gears slightly L and T is shaping up to be maybe ok .. i am good with the ringing so i dont think that would be a problem.. and it seems like i choose the right store for what i need therr are females eva wherr in that damn store and KOP has tons of white gurls running eva which way.. so it is just time to see who what and wherr.. :o) ...but aside of the vanilla id rather have a butter pecan or sum more coco i am kinda tired of the vanilla .. but we shall see what cums from that ..

i think that is all for now i am gonna go make sum cookies .. have fun

holy shyt i guess it shoudl be an update herr.. god i waited a while .. not much is really going on .. pretty dull i guess you coudl say that is a VERY good thing .. OMG im gonna be 22 in less then a month whoo that is crazy .. oh yeah i am with a new gurl as of July 26th .. good thing cause i needed a REAL Gf this time .. the confused child i tried working with .. was a dumb on MY part i blame my self souly for dealing with such un intelligence ... oh well what is done is done.. who give a fuck .. but i have bristol babii to look after and that is fine with me .. it helps ake my mind off the shyt i need to be doing whiel is gettin done very very very very slowly .. also in less then a month my permit is gonna expire so that brought to my attention i ahve been driving on that mit for a full year and im pretty fuccin comfy now .. no nervous feelings at all im ready to do what i shoudl ahve done a LONG time ago .. my excuses... made this a delayed event but it is all cumming together now ...

but more on BB .. i believe i can take on a more aggressive role and speak more of what i wanna see happen .. she take heed to it and does the same to me so i dont think it woudl cause too many waves to actually go against the current .. we talk alot and i enjoy that i wanan keep that cumming i love to hear ther thoughts but that is with all of them i loved gettin in side each and eva last one of them .. i really think that is one thing i am really good at over time i learn your mentel inside and out and i can work with what i learn and she opened right on up like a book so all im doing is reading chapter to chapter and taking notes on the good parts .. another GREAT thing is i get to see her tons more then alot of the others.... she love to kidnap me for days on end ... and i dont mind it at all in fact i think im gonan be staying at her apt for the next two days .. cause i didnt get to go to day my momz wasnt felling to hott and i dont wanna leave her by her self .. i feel bad for my momz she came back from VA feeling awesome and now that she is in this dumb center the machines that thye are using are causing her to become ill but she got used to it and it didnt effect her as much but once she got down to VA...

the center there is so much better for her cause she doesnt feel ill when she came off and by what i was told 100 percent better and i wish i could have been there to see her while she was feeling that great .. but i wasnt so i will do my best to help her as much as i can .. and that is what made ma stay ... wit out my momz i dont know what id do with my self .. she si the only thing that makes me drive to get things done cause i wanan make her proud yeah my dad also but it is just a difference for my momz i do any thing id work the hardest and the longest.. id study the best .. and i defend her to the last breather in my soul .. that is just the way it is ... in my eyes nothing else could change it... but once i explained that to BB in a watered down verson of all that she understood ... she was very concered and was ok about me not making it .. which made me very happy it is very good to knwo that she is willing to let things go when there is a higher callin ....

i think that is about it for now ...untill next we think !

i think this is a good as time as any to up date this herr.. but i have to be quick about it cause i know there would be others to rain down apon these words of mines .. i seem to ahve a lot of people to worry abotu me but i care not for the worry that want to share i dont feel i need the watchful eyes.. but in some way they need to do there part in keepin an eye on me kinda and we all know who you are... when i sti to write this things i pour eva thing i can in to this white box and a glas of water filling the glass with the volume of the liquid ... covering all the bases that i need too.. but lately i dont fill fill as i once did .. i am troubled by the utter *confusion* i feel .. when i replay the thought over and over...

 i see where i go wrong time and time again but i do it any way hopeing that it will get better hoping that the light will be shown and then and only then can i fell whole again .. i must watch what i say acuse eye will be watching and i cant fully express my sorrow with the things in my head so i am stuck to keep them bottled too many ppl read me .. leave this place to my own i need a haven to place my head down and scream in my own thoughts making my self horse from the torn voical cords when the bleed too much from the pronouced screams i let escape from my lips ... i want to say what i ahve to but i have the fear that ones that shouldnt see these things will see and i cant bear for them to cause i mean no harm i am just stuck where no .. where to turn ... no where to look

i shall take to pen and paper .. put them down there and i can hide my self from the watchers they will never see the true forms of my self .. scared, helpless,defeated, cold, angry ,.. i must only show what is expected of me.. the happy, silly, mindfull , the caring , the PATIENCE... I HAVE NO MORE ... why must i have to wait and wait and wait and wait .. what will ti take to get any thing i like no ... any thing i deserve .. i have been fucked with ... looked down apon .. played with and all just the same i must stair back in to the faces of all who damned me.. and i only can smile and nod.. the past is in the past but the hurt lingers on...

the sick mind of a person deemed to fail ..  time and time again ... i say this not to gain pitty i say this not to gain protection .. i say this cause this is how i feel this is what i see .. this is all i know ... but best believe i try my hardest i will still fight tooth and fuccin nail to get what i want but i still neva gain an inch ... maybe i am ... the bad one .. must i work harder .. speak clearer.. wish moure .. hornor better .. i must be lacking the things needed to became what i so wish i want to be .... some one please help me ...

IM not too sure what to call it .. i really wanna say a good thing came to an end but was it really ... once again i cum here to lay downt he aftermath of yet another they i couldnt hold on to .. and this time i was the one to let go .. and i dont think it was because i need to it is because i had to to there was no life left in what i was tryin to keep together i know what i did and how i did it .. but i thought they would see that and snap out of it .. but they gave mean more fuccin reasons to walk away and ... OBVIOUSLY ... i didnt want to .. i would have rather helped and worked throught it but . i assume sent they have spotted one they want i will bow down and not stop them i hope that put forth the effort and goes after what they saw cause maybe if they try running after some thing they will know how i feel..

i just dont understand what i did wrong i gave them all of me .. i swung the doors open for them to walk in and i showed them all that i have to offer which isnt much but i gave what i had with a 110% all the praise all the thoughts all the emontions that they wanted they recieved but .. when it came down to it .. they were stuck by some stupid phrase that was once told to dem .. you dont know how to be you .. how can you tell some one that and further more how the hell can you listen and agree to something like that .. there is no one that can tell you how to be you and how to feel what you want .. even if it unfamilar to you .. HOWWW!!!!... the weakness that they show is crazy i wanted them to fight back and i saw it but .. they didnt understand why i did it ...

why i was soo harsh to bring it all out .. if i had did it any other way the impact wouldnt have hit hard enought .. i wanted to give them a good fuccin wake up call ..but yet ... they hit the snooze button ... and fell back to sleep .. i was expecting something totaly different but i get what i deserve for tryint too hard to get soemthing out of them it wasnt gonna happen ...*sigh* .. i hope i did the right thing by walking away maybe this will show them how serious this is and how serious i was ... id rather be with out you then to go one knowing you ahve the slightest idea of what you want from me.. but i know damn well what i coudl ahve gotten for you it was there the whole time but you didnt wanna take the change .. a single chance with me and try .. that is what bothered me the most not being willing to try after all that talk you had about working on soemthing you rejected my only wish ..

why couldnt to try for me you bend over backwards for the two that give you hell .. i tried to give you nothin but peace and i wanted to see you happy but it just didnt work that way .. and im sad to hear that .. it would have been very nice and it suxed that in almost seven months we really didnt get any where... yeah i will give you i learned about you .. but i didnt KNOW you... i wish i could have .. *tear* ! ehhh it is not good to cry but it really hurts to know that i lost her for good ! *tear*